


Deserve

by PinkFluffyBabboonButt



Category: Supernatural
Genre: AU, Castiel BigBang, Castiel has to deal with former trauma, M/M, One (maybe) triggering scene in the flashbacks, The tagging might be a bit lacking, blind!cas, let me know if I missed something
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-19
Updated: 2017-04-19
Packaged: 2018-10-20 21:55:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 15,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10671546
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PinkFluffyBabboonButt/pseuds/PinkFluffyBabboonButt
Summary: It has been years since Castiel left everything and everyone behind to join Meg and Balthazar for college in another town. Over the years he has learnt to love himself and function on his own, even the nightmares have left him. But when years later his past comes crashing down on him he has to decide if it's him who needs a closure or past that needs to move on.





	1. Now

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first CBB. I really enjoyed writing this, even though in the end I couldn't write much about the blind aspect of Castiel's life in the fic. I still had a lot of fun researching for it.
> 
> I'd really like to thank @entirely-the-wrong-sort for beta-reading and pointing out all my silly mistakes. And a big tight hug as a thank you to @aiulbones for the amazing art she did for my fic.

_In the bookstore_

The edges of the hardback covers felt smooth and sharp under his fingers as he slid his hand over the bookshelves trying to make his way out of the bookstore. Despite the annoyance growing inside him he still couldn't help wondering what the titles of the books were.

"Meg!" Castiel shouted over the loud noise caused by all the enthusiastic children.

He was lucky that he knew the bookstore well, otherwise navigating among the swarm of children would've been hard despite the bookshelves. He slowly made his way out of the children's section calling Meg's name, cursing her under his breath, for vanishing suddenly like that. Only warning she'd given him was shoving the little boy into his arms and then leaving. Only reason Cas knew she'd left instead of just passing the boy to him was the loud shuffling she'd caused in her hurry to leave.

At first he didn't mind since he got along with children very well and because he'd thought that Meg was in the toilet. But when fifteen minutes later Meg still hadn't come back and the baby began to get fussy he got worried. Upon asking Ruby, the owner of the bookstore and Meg’s best friend , he found out that Meg wasn't in the toilet, instead she'd headed out and of course left her phone behind the counter to charge. Leaving the baby with Ruby Cas went to look for Meg.

_Earlier at the parking lot_

"Hey, you! Stalker in the leather jacket!" Meg shouted after the man who'd tried to quickly skulk away when Meg had spotted him staring at Castiel from behind the bookshelf.

The stranger stopped and turned around with clear signs of guilt and embarrassment on his face.

_In the bookstore_

It took Castile longer, than he'd initially thought, to get to the entrance of the bookstore. It had been his idea to arrange an event for children but after such a quest to get from the children's section to the entrance Castiel began to regret it a little. All the thought power he had used on navigating was going to cause him a headache. However, the distant giggle from the depths of the bookstore calmed him down, it wasn't as bad as he was pretending. He was just a little antsy because of Meg. If anyone deserved is anger it was Meg and Cas was going to make sure she'd get what she deserved.

Upon opening the door the cold autumn air blew straight at his face as stepped outside. Apart from the interior of the bookstore Meg and Ruby had helped him to learn to navigate in the parking lot too. Luckily it was exclusively meant for the bookstore so he had been assured by Ruby that she wasn't going to make any changes without letting Cas know. When he had proved to be a wonderful employee Ruby and Meg had gone even as far as attaching tiny poles to make it easy for Cas to make his way. Not that he needed to. But Balthazar said that it was better to have the skills just in case. In cases such as this, when Meg vanished. Most probably she'd gone to smoke.

Ever since her son had been born Balthazar had asked her to quit smoking and he'd asked Cas to report to him if he ever caught Meg. To be honest he would've never ratted on his best friend, even if it was to his cousin, but Cas enjoyed keeping Meg on her toes. It was the only way to have the upper hand on the sharp tongued friend of his.

Being familiar with the parking lot Castiel could easily make his way to Meg's secret corner for smoking. Technically it was meant for all employees but Meg was the only one to actually go there. Apart from the filthy smell Cas didn't have any idea what it was like, but Ruby had assured him that it was filthy enough to even keep Ruby out of there. Upon reaching the corner Cas called out for Meg but no one answered. If she wasn't there Castiel had no idea where she could be. Only place that made sense to Cas was the car. So just to check he turned back and with the help of his cane made his way to the opposite side of the lot where the employees kept their cars.

As he got closer to the car the sound of Meg talking furiously reached him. It was surprising to even Cas who knew Meg, maybe even more than Balthazar did.

"You really think I'd believe that, don't you? First of all that was the lousiest lie I've ever heard, even telling me you were too shy to enter the store would've been more believable. And secondly if you only wanted to know how Cas's doing you would've left after 'checking on him' at my wedding."

"You— I— You knew?" A familiar voice asked making Cas freeze on the spot. He'd never thought that he'd hear the voice again.

"Yeah, I have rather sharp eyes. Have seen you skulking around ever since then. I won't deny, at the wedding I was a bit surprised since you two had broken up only recently but then I thought you were someone's plus one. It wouldn't have been impossible given your reputation. But I've been spotting you ever since. Ken doll turned stalker.” Meg snorted at the last sentence.

"Ken doll. No one's called me that for quite some time now"

“Of course not.” Meg spat.

Castiel heard a nervous chuckle. He wanted to run away right then. To turn away and go back to the safe confinement of his own apartment. But there was a tinier part of him that wanted to walk rest of the way to the car. To check if he'd gotten the voice right. Unable to decide, he remained frozen to his spot.

"Now, care to tell me why you're spying on my family like that when you can just go talk to Cas?"

"I've hurt him enough. I don't want to cause any more trouble in his life now that he's got you. Besides I shouldn't have even kept this up since I know he's with you." The man sounded sad, almost disappointed.

Castiel hoped Meg wouldn't say anything wrong. She knew how little he wanted to get wrapped up in his past all over again. He hoped she'd play along for now. He hoped she wouldn't correct the misunderstanding.

"So you think it's okay to spy on Cas's best friend's family but not go straight to talk to him? Perhaps for once act like a man and apologize to him?" Meg said with a malicious snicker.

"What?"

“What what?”

“You just said best friend’s family. I thought you two…”

“You thought we married each other?”

“Yeah. But I thought? You mean you're not married?”

"Don't show me that ridiculous face. You were at my wedding. My wedding with Balthazar. It read on the sign with large letters, besides, I just said it myself too just a minute ago. And you should've known by now since you've been stalking Cas like a hawk. Like not creepy at all."

"Then Cas? I saw Cas going to the church. And when I went in he was standing at the altar"

"Cas is still, after all these years, wallowing in self pity while trying to act all tough as if I wouldn't see through that stupid act of his. And he was standing at the altar that day because he was there to tell everyone that the groom was going to be late. Man, could you be any denser?"

There was a moment of silence between the two but Cas didn't notice it. He'd gotten lost in his hysteric thoughts right after Meg had cleared up the confusion. Now he knew. Cas had no idea how this statement was going to change his life but he knew that nothing good was going to come out of it. Nothing good ever lasted long in his life and neither was this peaceful life with Meg’s family going to last. Cas felt first signs of an upcoming complete panic attack.

Still trying to calm himself down Cas didn't notice when the conversation had finally come to its end until he heard the same low voice again. This time only a meter or two away from him.

"Cas?"

"Dean," Castiel said, surprise and years of hatred slowly pushing the panic away.


	2. Then

The Novak family had always been on the brink of shattering apart. Chuck and Naomi had been very young and immature when they got married. The first fissures in the make believe happiness came as they grew up. Large amount of children didn't help the situation at all. By the time Gabriel and Castiel were born Chuck had distanced himself so much that the divorce became inevitable.

Since birth Castiel had been different from his other siblings, physically weaker and his head always in the clouds. Using Castiel’s weakness and eccentricity had been one of the last attempt for Naomi to keep her family together without realizing how much it directly and indirectly hurt everyone, including herself. First losing their father’s and then their mother’s attention caused a rift between the older siblings and Castiel. Gabriel and their cousin, Balthazar, were the only ones to actually care about Castiel. Castiel, however, never took the harsh treatment of his mother and older siblings to his heart because he knew that it was Chuck’s inability to face Naomi and the older children that was causing problems. Instead, Castiel felt grateful for the small signs of love and affection that he picked up in his family’s behavior.

All those nights when Naomi would tiptoe into his room to check up on her little boy. All those times Michael left sheets of notes when Castiel couldn't understand the chapters when doing homework. The occasional pocket money from Lucifer and the letters from Anna. Gabriel never understood how Castiel could settle for so little but Castiel assured him that with Gabe and Balthy looking over him he didn't need anything more.

Growing up Castiel was glad he hadn't been bitter towards his family. Losing his eyesight, his whole family soon after and finally losing the life he'd had once made him realize how lucky he had been for not letting Gabriel’s pessimism take over him. Now years later with only Balthazar and Meg by his side he was glad he had a few good memories of his family. Though he wouldn't deny that he didn’t really miss them either. Well, he did miss Gabe and Dean but not as much as he'd thought he would.

Now sitting across the table while listening to Meg and Balthazar argue over how “not serious” they were about their relationship, he felt a surge of warmth take over his heart. Three times before he'd thought that he had a family but each time fate had had something else in store for him. This once when he'd been scared of his future, fate had lead him to the family and home he'd always craved for.

“Yeah, right. As if you could ever settle with some other girl.” Meg softened first this time, making Castiel smile. Ever since crashing at Meg’s place he'd most probably gone through this bickering over fifty times. One of them would always sooner or later melt for the other and in equal amount of time they'd be bickering again.

“As if. I'll show you, once me and Castiel start college. We’ll pick up the nicest chicks with the nicest voices. Right Cassie?”

“I think I'll just focus on the piano and maybe pick up some Braille course on my free time,” Castiel chuckled, “Though I won't mind helping you meet some nice girls.”

“Cas! Who's side are you on?!” Meg shrieked alerting some of the other patrons in the cafe. “I hate you both.”

“Nah, you don't,” the cousins said in unison to the pouting girl.

Things were finally truly looking up and despite the growing dread that this wasn't going to last Castiel could also feel the peace in his bones. Although at first he had been reluctant to move in with Meg, since she was dating Balthazar, by now he was used to having both of them around. Of course it was still nearly impossible to function on his own but he was learning and they were helping. It was finally time to move on from all the destructive love he had received all these years.


	3. Now

“Cas, wait!” Dean gripped his arm as he tried to scurry away. The way from Meg’s car to the bookstore door was so familiar to him. Yet he couldn't find his way anymore. The more he tried to focus all of his senses the harder it got for him to hear anything else but the blood rushing in his body. The more he tried to focus on the smell around him the more he felt like his nose was clogged.

“Cas, calm down!” He could feel Meg pushing Dean’s hand away and lead him away from Dean, who was still trying to stammer something to Castiel.

“Castiel, get a hold of yourself!” Meg tried to snap him out of the shock and it worked.

“Where are we now?” He asked, sweat still beading on his forehead. Meg was right, he was still at work and he needed to get a hold of himself. As soon as he straightened up he realized that Dean might still be somewhere around. Sensing Castiel's distress Meg assured him,

“He’s left already. Let's go in and ask Ruby to let you go for today. Balthazar can come and pick you up.”

“No, I'm fine. Besides there's not much time left anyway before the shift ends so we can just finish and go together.” Castiel squared up. He'd really looked forward to this event so he wasn't going to go home now. Besides all those years ago he'd promised himself that he won't let Dean or anyone else from his past be the reason behind any of his decisions ever again. 

Later that night despite all of his attempts he'd been unable to catch some sleep. All these years living on his own, with only Meg and Balthazar on his side he'd come to believe that fate had had enough with toying with his life. Now suddenly Dean had appeared in his life again.

At first, after leaving his old life behind he used to imagine situations where he'd be reunited with everyone who'd crushed him. Sometimes, the reunions were nice, sometimes torturing. The more comfortable he got with his new life the lesser he thought about proving himself to his mother, or remind about his existence to rest of his family, or assure Dean that they could get through all the obstacles together. Now all he cared about was his job at the bookstore, the piano lessons he gave and enjoying his life with Meg and Balthazar and their children. 

Laying on his bed Castiel felt tears roll down his face. “Why Dean? Why now?” He heard himself ask from the void around him.

 

The following day was Saturday, which meant the bookstore was closed. Castiel felt relief wash over him. He didn't want to take any risks of running into Dean. All he hoped for was that Dean didn't know where he lived.

He ran his hands over the piano keys, playing each of them one by one, to make sure the piano was wired right for the students. Balthazar had been against with Castiel working everyday of the week, but after some persuasion he gave in. There wasn't much Castiel had to do at the bookstore so he didn't really feel tired after his shift on Fridays. Besides it was just the mornings, the children helped him to not stay grumpy.

“Hey, Jude. Don't be afraid…” He began to sing in a low grumbling voice. Only downside with the morning lessons was his voice. Neither he himself nor his voice were at their best in the mornings. 

“... Take a sad song and make it better...” He sang, almost hearing how his voice hit every corner of the house. It had been years since he'd sung this particular song.

Although he wasn't the best singer out there he still enjoyed hearing his own voice. It was a sign of progress that he didn't need to see. He could hear and feel it.

He managed to sing a few more songs and clear his voice before the doorbell rang announcing the arrival of his first student. He loved the little girl. She, Claire, was a fiery little girl who at first had for some reason hated Castiel to hell and back, however, after a few weeks she'd began to warm up to him and now Claire didn't just come to learn piano. She came with all the stories from school bottled up in her and it was hard to get anything done once she got started with them. Not that Castiel minded. On the contrary, he'd ended up rescheduling with other students so he could spend more time with Claire. 

Eagerly he made his way to the door to greet Claire.

“Clareeeence!” Meg’s voice boomed right into his face.

“Meg? Hi! You're here at th—”

“I asked Balthy to take your students for today, I even let all of the families know.” Meg said, pushing past Castiel.

“But why? You know I look forward to these lessons with Claire.”

The cheery clatter Meg had been causing, ever since Castiel had opened the door, stopped. Castiel could feel the mood shift in the room.

“Uh, Cas, look—”

“Hi, Cas.” The voice he didn't want to hear ever again rang through his ears with a silent click indicating Dean had locked the door behind him,

“Meg? What is this all about?” Castiel began to feel panicky again. How could Meg do this to him? She was the only one who knew what Castiel had been through yet here she was letting the man who'd caused Castiel pain waltz right back into Castiel's life.

“Castiel, please, calm down. I think it's overdue that you two talked it through and cleared up whatever has been going on between you two for all these years.”

“There's nothing to talk about or to clear up! It's all happened all those years ago! Tell him to get out and you too get the hell out of here!” Castiel shouted making Meg flinch.

Once again, he felt the tight and firm grip latch around his arm. A strange pain shot through Castiel's body. He didn't want this. As much as it hurt to realize that once such a dear gesture felt so repulsive to him now, it hurt even more to realize that despite knowing everything Meg had done this to him. Castiel wasn't mad at Dean, there was nothing left to feel for the other man. But whatever he'd felt for Meg, maybe even for Balthazar, was shattering into pieces too fast and if Castiel wanted to avoid it he'd have to get rid of Dean. 

“Don't touch me!” Dean let go of his arm.

“Cas, please, just listen to me.”

Castiel felt less tense once Dean let go of his arm but the trouble hadn't been averted yet. And he realized that there was no way for him to avoid Dean now, specially if Meg was the one to bring him to Castiel in the first place. Besides, Castiel would never admit it out loud, but he'd always craved for an answer. They'd fallen apart so fast, Castiel hadn't even realized what was happening before it was over just like that. All he knew a sweet second last meeting and a terrifying last meeting and then Dean couldn't be found anywhere. Even though Castiel wanted nothing to do with Dean he still deserved an answer, a proper closure.

Taking a deep breath Castiel turned to face where Dean was standing. Meg helped him out by touching his arm lightly when he was facing Dean.

“I'm listening.”

The tensed silence felt heavy in the room as Castiel waited for Dean to clear his throats and get to the point. He wondered how Dean had imagined their reunion to be. After the first few months Castiel had stopped wishing for a reunion entirely. In his aloof mind he'd always thought of it as something big and elaborate, just like a movie. Not like this. Had Dean ever thought of it the same way? Had he expected Castiel to fight more? Maybe run into his arms while whispering it's-not-your-faults and other similar sweet nothings. Maybe he would've but after years of time to think of it and experiencing true love in many forms he knew that everything he'd had before was toxic. Even Dean.

“Cas, I know what I did to you was horrible. Way beyond horrible. You don't need to forgive me but I want you to know that I truly regret it. I regretted it even before…”

“Well, regretting it doesn't change anything. It's in the past and no matter how much or how long you regret it nothing can be done anymore.”

“I, I know nothing can be changed. But we could try again. We could—”

“I seriously hope you're not as stupid Dean as you're sounding right now.” Castiel snapped. Did Dean really expect that there was anything to try again? Back in high school when they dated Castiel had forgiven him for many things, nearly every two months they were starting over after some fight or the other. But not anymore. Castiel wasn't ‘a poor blind child’ who'd bow his head to just anyone who'd show him “love”. He had grown up, he had matured, and he had become stronger since then.

“No, Cas, I know I can never be forgiven for what I did. And I don't expect us to go back to what we used to be. But I want, no, I need a chance to apologize properly. To make up for all the pain I caused you. I'll do whatever you’ll tell me to.” 

Castiel felt like laughing. Do whatever he wanted? Bullshit.

“Yeah, right. Dean, why don't you go and find someone woman to have a one night stand with you? You're clearly out of your mind. It'll clear up your head. After all you'd never go further with me because I'm your true love and you want to wait for the right moment. Or was it again because I'm a blind fag with no future. Yeah, I think that was it.”

“Cas, stop! Please, just stop!” Finally Meg stepped in and Castiel was grateful for it. One more resurfacing old memory and he would've gone mad. “Dean, get out. You were supposed to just “check up on him” not apologize and try to start over.”

“Meg—”

“I said get out. If I'd know that it wasn't just your jerk of a father who'd caused Castiel distress, but you too, I would've put a restraining order on you right during my wedding. Go away, and never come back.”

Dean tried to come up with something good to say but he gave up. All Castiel could hear anymore was the silent pad of his feet and the click of the door as he got out of the house.


	4. Then

The day had been sunny. Even in the second year of college, Castiel could still remember the heat and excitement of the first day of his high school. Sometimes he could even remember the chirping birds.

Due to his weak health, since childhood he'd been home schooled and getting the chance to get out of the house for studying felt wonderful. assuring his mother one last time that he'd be fine with Gabe and Balthy, he got out of the house with Meg. Despite Naomi’s obvious dislike for her she'd come to Castiel’s house to be with her best friend from the beginning to the end of his first school day ever.

Naomi had had objections about his high school choice as well, but Gabe and Balthy had managed to help him convince her. Ever since his father had left them his mother had become much more strict and paranoid. She'd keep fussing over Castiel all the time, worrying whether her son was doing well or not. In fact sometimes she went as far as not letting Castiel close the door of his room. Castiel found it ridiculous, but listening to his mother had paid off well. Now she was letting him go out on his own. Meg had helped him learn the way to high school and back over summer in case of emergencies. Castiel could never thank his brother, cousin and best friend enough.

Gabe, who unlike Cas, Meg, and Balthy, was a senior so he knew the school building just like his own pockets. Sometimes Castiel wondered if he knew the school building even better than his pockets. According to him the building was huge since it accommodated every grade from elementary to high school. Even though Castiel couldn't see the places still the thought of standing in the same building where his brother had played some legendary pranks made Castiel feel giddy. 

"This is where you spiked Luci's hair after he fell asleep while playing hooky?" He asked while sliding his hand over the bench which supposedly still had the marks from the hair dye Gabe had used after spiking Lucifer’s hair. 

"That's it," Gabriel said with a proud grin. Back then he'd thought that Lucifer was going to get angry at him. But he didn't. In fact, Lucifer fell in love with the pink spikes. When Naomi questioned him he didn't rat on Gabriel, but he nevertheless took revenge by shaving Gabe’s head. Since then, for as long as Lucifer stayed with them he'd kept his hair pink and spiked. There was no way Castiel could ever forget his brother’s hair since it was one of the last things Castiel could differentiate from rest of the blur before losing his sight completely during the summer before his junior high started.

"And what about that classroom where you got yourself locked up for the entire winter vacation?"

"Ah, that one? There's a big chance you'll have your literature classes there," Gabe said, scratching his head.

Balthazar and Meg had left the two of them as soon as they entered the school building. As Castiel followed his brother the latter suddenly stopped letting out a huffing noise and alerting Castiel. It was hard to tell if Gabriel’s huff was an emergency huff or just a simple huff in the crowded corridor but the sudden hooting and shouting assured Castiel that they must've had come across a friend of Gabriel’s.

"Hey, Gabe!"A low voice of another boy said, ruffling Gabriel’s hair.

"Hiya, Dean," Gabriel said with a simultaneously irritated and amused huff.

It was the pretty boy who'd often come over with Gabe to do homework, though usually Gabe and Dean would just end up fighting. Not everyone could tolerate or enjoy Gabe’s humour the way Castiel did.

"How'd your summer vacation go?"

"Better than the last one. Didn't get grounded for the entire vacation. Just some tiny fights with Mom after some of the worst pranks. What about yours?"

"Was perfect. Finally broke up with Lisa and went on a very long drive with Sammy."

"Cool dude! Oh, by the way Sammy started high school this year too, didn't he?"

"Yeah, he did," Dean said with a proud smile, “And what do you mean too? Someone else starting this year too?”

"Sam’s here already?" Gabriel said ignoring Dean’s question.

"Yeah. I think he went to check out the chemistry lab? Actually, I'm not sure, I was supposed to give him a round but he thinks it's embarrassing, so he went with his friends."

"Oh ok. I think I'll pay him and his friends a visit later. Maybe play a prank or something."

"You better not do something stupid, he's my baby brother, you know," Dean warned Gabriel who either didn't notice or didn't bother to notice the lowkey angry older brother vibes Dean was emitting.

"Fine, nothing bone breaking or hair color changing. Is it fine with you?”

“Nothing detention causing either, or clowns. He's scared of clowns,” Dean warned.

“Noted,” Gabe said and pushed Castiel forward, “Here in exchange you can bother my brother. He hasn't seen or read Harry Potter. Educate him.”

“Gabe!” Castiel reached his hand out to stop his brother, his hand hovering around.

“He's left already.” Dean said.

"I'm sorry about my brother. He's quite a jerk." Castiel said trying to determine where exactly Dean was standing.

"It's alright. As long as he keeps his pranks in limit," Dean chuckled, “So umm, you're?”

“Castiel, Castiel Novak.”

“Cast—, Casteel, no wait, I got it, Cas. Can I just call you Cas?”

“Yeah, sure,” Castiel smiled. In his opinion it was a fairly easy name but he was well aware that people often had problem getting it right in the beginning. Besides he liked the nickname. Funny how no one else had ever come up with that one.

“Well, then. Hi, Cas. Nice to meet ya.”

“Nice to meet you too, Dean.” Castiel thrust his hand forward for a handshake.

“You know my name?”

“You and Gabe were just practically shouting your names, and I remember you from the times you used to come over to our place for homework.”

“Oh, okay. How'd you know? I've never seen you. Though I knew all of Gabe’s siblings.”

“Yeah, well, I used to be closed up in my room. But I hardly believe that you would've noticed anything since you and my brother used to be busy fighting.”

A moment of silence followed making Castiel worried. Had he said something he shouldn't have. After losing his sight he'd learnt to pick emotions from voices but sometimes in such noisy situations it could be hard. Dean however broke the silence with a roaring laugh.

“Goodness, you had to endure those silly fights? Sorry about that by the way.”

“No problem. I enjoyed them to be honest. Usually he'd pick on me with all his stupid pranks but with you there I'd finally get a moment of peace.”

“In that case I think you owe me a burger,” Dean said, “I mean I made your life easier with that monster so I deserve a reward.”

“Yeah, you do.” Castiel smiled.


	5. Now

A month had passed since Meg had brought Dean to his apartment and after a few days Castiel had thought that his misery was over. But no it wasn't. After one Winchester brother had left him alone another one showed up. This time too, the voice had been the first warning. However, Castiel had never been in bad terms with Sam. On the contrary they'd become very good friends during high school. He'd met Sam through Gabe and Dean after Meg had begun to spend more time with Balthazar.

Only reason he'd ever cut off ties with Sam was only because the tension Dean’s actions had caused between the friends was too unbearable. Despite Castiel's best efforts he couldn't take Sam’s apologetic behavior anymore. It had been Dean’s task not Sam’s. So after leaving everything behind to join Meg and Balthazar on their rebellious decision to enroll in music college he'd cut off all the ties with Sam too. Of course not being a jerk like Dean, he'd explained his decision and Sam had agreed with him. 

And now he'd broken the agreement. Given Dean’s earlier visit Castiel was wary of the younger Winchester. There was no way that this was a complete coincidence. He was sure that Dean had something to do with Sam’s sudden visit.

“Hi, Sam,” Castiel answered to the greeting.

“How have you been?” Sam asked him. Castiel could hear the wariness in Sam’s voice. He was trying not to wake a sleeping volcano. Castiel felt the hysterical laughter coming again. He'd never been the one to cause any of the problems, he'd always been the one to endure yet everyone treated him like he was the one to be careful of.

“I have been fine, thank you. What about you?” Castiel asked.

“I've been fine too,” Sam said. This time Castiel could hear the relief in Sam’s voice.

“That's great to hear. How has Gabe been?”

“He's great too, actually he's here with me. He's waiting outside.”

“Oh,” Castiel was positively surprised. He'd thought that Gabriel might want nothing to do with him after he'd fought with Gabriel after Dean had left. His heart ached to hear his brother’s voice but he knew better than to ask for it.

“Anyway, how can I help you?” he went back to his bookstore worker attitude flashing a friendly smile to Sam. “I guess you guys are just passing by this town? If you're looking for some travel reading then we’ve g—”

“I'm not here to buy books. I came here to talk to you.” Sam cut Castiel off.

Castiel knew better than to act as if he had no idea what Sam meant when he said they needed to talk.

“It's about Dean, isn't it?”

“He told me he'd been here sometime ago. Said that he'd come to apologize to you but you didn't forgive him.”

“And sent you here to coax me into forgiving him? Or you came here on your own to beg in his place?” Castiel snapped. A part of him knew it was wrong to lash out on him but currently that part was unable to function.

Luckily Sam was as understanding as he'd always been. He waited for Castiel to calm down before saying anything.

“No, I'm not here to beg for Dean. Whatever he did was wrong in too many ways and, in my opinion, there's nothing that anyone could do to make you forgive him. It's just, I just…”

“Yes?”

“Back then, after high school when you left I didn't really stop you because I knew you needed time and distance. I'd always suspected that things weren't as great for you as you thought. Specially after your fight with Gabe.” Sam trailed off again.

Among the Winchester’s Dean had been the only one Castiel had ever seen or, to be precise, caught glimpses of. But back in high school Castiel had picked up on Sam’s habit of taking time to phrase whatever he wanted to say. At first the sudden moments of silence had been weird but it didn't take long for him to figure out what happened. And now Sam was doing it again. Castiel just hoped he wasn't going to say anything that Castiel wasn't ready to hear.

“But I missed you, man. We used to be such good friends and then it all fell apart so suddenly. For years I didn't even know where to find you. But when Dean, a while back, told me that he found you, I felt so glad. I was wondering if you'd be up for catching up with everything. We could go for a meal or something.”

Castiel was taken aback. It had been about eight years since he'd left everything behind with Meg and Balthazar. He'd missed Sam too, specially their lengthy conversations on everything supernatural. Also, Sam had been the only one to not beat around the bush when interacting with Castiel. He would've loved to reconnect with Sam, maybe even Gabe, but the thought of Dean made him reconsider the whole thing.

“Sam, as much as I appreciate your attempt of us reconnecting, I don't think I can do it.”

“If you're worried about Dean then I can assure you—”

“No, you can't. No matter how much you assure me there's no way I can ever… Look Sam, I've left all of that behind, all of you behind. I'm living a perfect life now. I have friends, I have people whom I can call family, I have the independence I've never had before and I'm not going to give up on any of that anytime soon,” Castiel tried to explain, instead of snapping at Sam. Sam’s gesture meant a lot to him but he wasn't going to risk it.

“I see,” Sam said, with a clearly gloomy voice, “Well, then I think this is the last time we meet unless we bump into each other.”

“Sam, I'm really sorry—”

“No, it's okay,” Sam said, now with a happier voice, “I'm just glad that you've finally achieved the happiness you'd always deserved. Good-bye, Cas.”

“Good-bye, Sam.”

Castiel felt bad for chasing Sam off the way he had, but he'd had his reasons and he was glad that Sam understood it. He was glad that back in the summer after high school Gabe had decided to stay with Sam instead of getting caught up in Castiel’s issues. Sure it hurt, and perhaps he might never forgive Gabriel either, but Gabe had had his fair share of obstacles to deal with and the idea that they'd managed to stick together all these years made Castiel happy.

Or at least he felt happy until the following week. Meg had decided to butt in into his private life again. Not that Castiel could help it. The conversation between him and Sam had happened in the bookstore where both him and Meg worked. With the excuse of taking Castiel along to her weekly girls’ day because Ruby was busy, Meg had dragged him to a restaurant where both Sam and Gabriel were waiting for them.

“Sam? Gabe?” Castiel said, upon hearing the familiar voices greeting Meg and him.

“Heya, Cassie! Guessed it right, it's us.” Gabriel said.

Castiel could hear the same old nervousness in his brother's voice. He felt his heart flutter. How many years had it been since he'd heard his brother's voice? For a moment Castiel forgot everything that had happened in the past. His hatred for Dean, his parting with Sam and Gabe, his mother.

“Gabe,” Castiel reached out to Gabriel who pulled his younger brother into a long and tight hug.

“How've you been Cassie?” Gabriel patted his back. Sam and Meg took their seats letting the brothers reconcile in peace.

“Wonderful, what about you?” Castiel broke away from the hug and both men sat down too.

“I've been great. We’ve been great.”

“I'm glad to hear it.”

Castiel was elated to meet his brother after eight whole years. He even forgot the deal he'd had with Sam. As the four went on eating and catching up on everything Castiel found out a lot of things. He found out about Mary. She'd woken up from her coma five years ago and was now perfectly fine even though she didn't have any memories left from before. Apparently after Mary’s recovery John had changed his ways drastically. He'd even accepted Sam and Gabe’s relationship.

“He was a bit grumpy but that's all, which was super surprising by the way” Gabe said as he took a spoonful of the dessert he'd ordered.

Castiel froze after hearing his brother’s words. The angry look on Sam’s face made Gabe realize his mistake.

“I, I'm sorry Cas. I should've—” Gabe said.

“It's okay. You would've had to tell it to him anyway.” Meg intervened.

Castiel felt the old anger rushing back over him. John had accepted Sam and Gabriel but when it was about him and Dean it wasn't fine. When it had been them, John hadn't only turned Dean against him but he had also tormented Castiel in his own house. All those weeks of torture he'd had to go through, and not only from John but from his own mother too.

Most of all, he still couldn't believe how Meg was saying it's okay when she had been the one to support Castiel through everything. She had been there when John had come to their house, night after night, to shout in his drunk state. To call Castiel names and tell Naomi to take care of her son before he infected everyone in the town. Meg had been the one to hide under Castiel’s bed when Naomi had broken into Castiel’s room and said all those horrible things. Meg had been the one to pack Castiel’s bag, take all the trinkets that he valued, and also drag almost unconscious Castiel out of the house while Balthazar had gone to get a car from anywhere he could.

“Meg, I want to go home. Right now.”

Castiel got up, scrambling to find his cane.

“Cas, please,” Meg tried to stop him.

“Can you pay for me? I'll return the money later.”

Castiel was too enraged to listen to anyone. Sam and Gabe tried to stop him too, but he waited for Meg to pay the bill and help him out of the restaurant, leaving Sam and Gabe behind.


	6. Then

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not sure how triggering the end of this chapter is, but still I though I should give you guys a heads up just in case.

"Stop it Dean, I'm trying to help you here. You've got to focus on the paragraph. Don't you dare to look at the clock."

"Yeah, but I want to watch Dr. Sexy. Besides how'd you even know I'm looking at the clock."

"Well, if you say out loud the remaining time every five minutes it's hard not to figure out. And I'll let you watch it if you finish this chapter. We have the final tests coming, remember?"

"Yeah, but—"

"No buts, Dean. You finish this chapter and I'll let you watch that crappy show, in fact I'll let you do anything you want. After all, this is your house."

"Fine. But how can you tell it's a crappy show?"

“Dean stop being a smart alec. I still have my ears intact. Just the audio makes me want to gag. God knows how horrendous the actual thing might be.”

“Fine, you don't need to drag my favorite show like that. I'm finishing this chapter right now. And, Dr. Sexy is not a crappy show.”

 

Two hours later Castiel found himself pinned against the sofa as Dr. Sexy aired on the tv. He should've chosen his words better. It was about time Sam returned from his date with Jess. He didn't want to get caught to him like this.

"Dean. I said I'll let you take a break and watch Dr. Sexy. I didn't give you a permission to get sexy with me."

Dean chuckled, "Nuh huh, you said and I quote 'in fact I'll let you do anything you want'. This is what I want to do."

Castiel couldn't hide his smile, "Sam might be back any moment now."

"So?"

"Dean." Castiel tried to sound stern and intimidating but when Dean's lips caught his, he melted to the touch and let Dean have his way this once.

They were still kissing when the door went. Castiel tried to break free from Dean's grasp.

"It's just Sam. He'll see his way to his room. Don't worry." Dean said before diving in for another kiss.

Suddenly Dean was yanked away from Castiel's embrace leaving him confused.

"What the hell's going on here!"

It was John. This was bad. Castiel had to handle it properly or John might get angry enough to even hurt Dean. Dean had never opened up about John to Castiel. But it didn't require rocket science for Castiel to realize what was going on with the Winchesters, specially after Sam had opened up to him. Unlike Dean, Sam had enough nerve cells intact to know when to open up to other people and when to keep his feelings to himself in a healthy way.

"Sir, I'm Castiel. Castiel Novak. From your neighbor." He said, as he stood up straightening his clothes. He extended his hand hoping that he'd gotten the direction right.

"Get lost. I need to talk to Dean."

"Sir, I—"

"Cas get out." Dean said, coming between him and John.

Castiel could feel how worried and frightened Dean was. He knew what was going to happen to Dean if he left now but Dean wasn't letting him help. Each time Castiel opened his mouth Dean would shut him up. In the end Dean had to push him out of the house to keep Castiel from starting an argument with his father.

Following two weeks Dean didn't appear in school. Castiel had even gone to his house but no one would open the door to him. Even Sam hadn't been to school for a while. Castiel felt sick. He hoped Dean and Sam were safe. Castiel had tried to call him but Dean never picked up or called back. Dean hadn't even sent him a text.

On the beginning of the third week, their last week of school before summer holiday, Dean came back to school. Despite missing his tests Dean was able to pass the year with the help of one of his teachers, Ellen. She knew Dean from since he was just a child and she knew why Dean would skip school for so long.

The whole day Castiel tried his best to stay up to date with all the rumours and find out where Dean was. It seemed like Dean was trying to avoid him by avoiding all the places where they’d usually hang out in. Finally during the lunch hour Castiel felt someone bumping into him. A quick whisper, “Meet me at the parking after school”, and Dean was gone again.

After school first thing Castiel did is find his way to Dean's Impala. Dean always parked his car in the same spot and by now Castiel could easily make his way to the car. A while later Dean came to the parking letting Castiel out of the devastation he'd been feeling.

"Dean!" Castiel would've sprang into his boyfriend's arms if he could.

"Cas."

"Are you alright? I was so worried and when you didn't come to school for two weeks I felt like I might die." Castiel asked, reaching out to touch Dean.

"Let's stop this here."

Castiel knew Dean might try something such. He knew how silly Dean could get at times. Dig your fingers into Dean's weaknesses and you could make him kill himself. After all those one night stands Dean had because he thought he wasn't worth Castiel, there was no way he was going to believe that this wasn't the result of someone pushing the wrong buttons. Besides this time one to do so was Dean's own father, so obviously the results were going to be more dire than just sleeping around with someone else.

"No. Let's not. We both love each other. What others say doesn't matter. Tell me what did you father do to you?"

"Whatever dad said or did is none of your business. Besides whatever he said is true."

"I can decided if it's true or not only after you've told me what he said." Castiel said with a warm smile. Dealing with Dean was even harder than calming a man like John but Castiel knew he could do it. He loved Dean enough to pull him out of any hell other people pushed him into.

"I already said let's end this. What dad said is none of your business."

"Dean give me one good reason to break up with you and I'll do it. We both know you're saying this because John must've said or done something stupid to you. But I'm here to support you. Just tell me."

"Castiel, this isn't just about dad. I would've broken up with you anyway. I'm going to another city for college and I'm really not into long distance relationships."

The decision of going to another city for college was new to Castiel. Dean hadn't mentioned any such thing before, but for now Castiel let it slide. They had other things to worry about.

"Dean, we both know that distance has never been a problem to you. Just tell me—"

Castiel felt heat spreading across his cheek. Dean had slapped him.

"There's nothing to tell. Do you get it? I would've broken up with you anyway, it's just a coincidence dad found out before I could do that."

Tears were stinging Castiel's eyes. "Even if you had already planned it you would've had to give a reason. Why the fuck? Why the fuck would you do that?" He asked tears slowly falling down his cheeks.

"Cas, Castiel. I want a proper family. Not just a mockery built of only men. Besides all you are is a blind faggot. You won't be able to even fuck me properly. How the hell am I supposed to have a family with you?!"

It was Castiel's turn to slap Dean. The slap didn't land where he expected it to but it didn't matter. All he knew was that Dean was crossing his limits. Deep down in his heart Castiel knew that Dean was lying. It was all John's fault but Dean was the one who was letting John get away with it. After the fifth time Dean had cheated on him with some girl he'd been ready to break up with Dean, but it had been Dean who convinced him to stay and now it was Dean who was pushing him away.

"You're going to take me home with you right now. I'll talk to John." Castiel still, despite the insult, tried to pull Dean after him but the taller boy didn't budge.

"Castiel, stop it. Even if dad listens to you I don't wanna get stuck with a defected person like you." Spitting the last insult on Castiel Dean pushed him aside and left in his car.

Castiel tried hard to push all the blame on John and go after Dean. Go to his house and calm him down. But Dean's words had cut too deep. Dean had deliberately hit him where it hurt the most for the sake of his father who didn't even care about him. Castiel needed to calm down first and give Dean a little bit more time. Once Dean would calm down it would be easier for him to put some sense into that dense head.

By the time Castiel had calmed down and ready to see if Dean had calmed down too he found out from Sam that Dean had left. At first Castiel waited but slowly he figured out that Dean was never coming back.


	7. Now

"The door is over there. You can just get lost!" Castiel shouted and closed the kitchen door on Meg’s face.

“Castiel, you have no right to kick me out of this house! This is my best friend, Clarence’s, house. And he will listen to me before acting like a child!”

Meg tried to open the door but Castiel was pressing against it with all his might. “How dare you call me your best friend after everything you've done?! First you bring Dean here, then you tell Sam and Gabe that it's okay! It's not okay. It never was, it isn't and it will never be!”

Suddenly exhaustion took over him. He was tired of everything. Eight years, he'd spent eight years thinking it was fine, that he had reached the point in life where he couldn't ask for more. Of course it had to end. Castiel slid down against the floor, tears in his eyes again.

Meg pushed the door open somehow managing to push him away too. Castiel, however, couldn't care any less. She'd already had had her way with everything, might as well have now. Castiel didn't care about anything. He just wished Meg would leave him alone as soon as possible.

“Oh, Cas,” Meg sat down next to her friend and pulled him into a hug.

“Leave me alone Meg,” Castiel snapped and tried to push her away but in vain.

“Cas, I know it's hard. This one past month has been hard on you because of everyone and specially me. But don't you think you should give them another chance?”

When Castiel didn't answer her, she went on, resting her head on Castiel’s shoulder and trying to calm him. “I know how horrible everything had been. I was there with you. I'm not doing this so you'd forgive them. If I could I'd drag them all to hell on my own. I'm doing this so you could move on. Don't you think that eight years is more than enough time for you to be stuck in the past.”

“I'm not stuck in the past,” Castiel finally spoke up, “I moved on years ago. I'm having a perfect life now. You and Balthazar are not only my friends but my family too, I have a job. I don't have to rely on anyone anymore. What else am I supposed to do?”

“We both know you still have feelings for Dean. You even waited for him despite all the shit he'd said to you before leaving. You're still waiting for him.”

“Yes, I did. Because back then I had no idea what a healthy relationship was like. I thought I'd be able to fix things. I thought we'd be able to move on together while fixing problems as they come. But I'm not waiting for him anymore. Now I know it shouldn't have been like that. It had been an abusive relationship from the beginning to the end and I don't want to get caught into it all over again.”

The tears had already stopped falling. Castiel could feel the warmth of Meg's cheeks against his shoulder. Meg was drawing circles on his knee, she'd been the second one to know it calmed Castiel down. First one had been Gabriel, he'd used it on Castiel since Castiel was a baby. The third and last one had been Dean.

“Things have changed now. You heard what Gabe said. John has changed now,” after a short break she added, “Or at least he's calmed down a lot. And so has Dean.”

“Still, I just can't. It wasn't only John’s fault. Even Sam was stuck with him but Dean let John walk all over him all the time. I loved him so much, Meg. I forgave all of his stupidities. I never asked him to make up for anything. I tolerated everything and in the end all I got was a confirmation that everything everyone else just whispered behind my back was true. That I was defected, I am and I'll forever be one. That's what they all hated about me and it's something I can't change about myself. I'm still the same defected person I had been. If they couldn't handle it back then I hardly believe they can now.”

“Castiel Novak!” Meg said sternly, “Don't you dare to spout such bullshit when I'm around. Don't you dare to say or think such things at all. You're not a defected person. You are the most wonderful man I've had the privilege of ever knowing.”

Meg had moved her head away from Castiel's shoulder. “Why do you always think so lowly of yourself. Seriously, if it hadn't been you I would've still been the problem kid who couldn't get anything ever accomplished and look at me now, giving private violin lessons and helping Ruby out on weekends. I might've been fooling around with random men every few weeks but instead I'm happily married with my own children. And it was all because you came into my life.”

“Meg, it was you doing all of those things, I never forced you into choosing the right over the wrong. In fact maybe these decisions were wrong. Maybe not meeting me would've taken you to greater places.”

“Don’t make me slap you Clarence!” Meg exclaimed, “You were the one to befriend me in that silly bee hoodie of yours. You were the one to make me feel special when you told me about your eyes in the fifth grade. I was the one you wanted to tell first the day you finally lost your sight. You were the one who introduced me to Balthazar. You were the one who'd always talk about playing the piano and make me interested in music too.”

She was starting to sound angrier now, but Castiel could feel the love in her voice. This wasn't the kind of frustration that Dean had showed the day he'd broken up with him, this was the frustration that came when you tried to express your love to the person you loved. The way Castiel had tried to convince Dean.

“And who the hell has ever considered you a defected person? Don't you dare to say me and Balthy. You know we care for you more than you can ever imagine.”

“Meg, you know I would never—”

“If you mean Sam and Gabe, then you know very well yourself that Sam has never thought of you as anything but a good friend. What Gabe did was dickish but he's always been a coward dick and it had nothing to do with you.”

Meg's choice of words made a tired chuckle escape from Castiel.

She continued, “I know, it was Dean who said all that crap, but you said so yourself didn't you. That he didn't actually mean it. That it was because of the upbringing he's had. In the end the people who actually thought that way were your mom and John. Your mom’s not around anymore and John’s changed. So can't you please let yourself be loved.”

“I am loved,” Castiel corrected Meg, “I'm loved by Balthy, you and the boys. I'm loved by Claire and Ruby. I don't see a need for more love.”

Castiel seriously couldn't see the point of more love. His head had cleared up after Meg’s rant and Meg was right. Only Naomi and John had been against his existence, but not because there was something wrong with him. Instead, they hated him because of their own problems. But now Castiel had everything he could've ever asked for. Maybe he lacked a romantic partner but it had nothing to do with Dean.

After high school he'd been too busy learning to be independent despite his blindness. And then he'd gotten busy with his new life full of piano lessons, shifts at the bookstore and, Meg and Balthazar. He just never ended up feeling like he needed or wanted any romance.

“Fine, I get your point. But at least you could give Sam and Gabe a chance. They were your closest friends. Even closer than we used to be to you. And they seriously missed you. You could hear it yourself, how eagerly Gabe was telling you about everything he's been up to in the past several years.”

Castiel sighed. Meg was right. Back then he'd cut of all of his ties with everyone for his own safety. Even the email to Sam before changing all of his contact mediums had been for his own safety and proper closure with his good friend. But now the threats to his safety were gone. Maybe Meg was right. Ate last he could try to build a new relationship with Sam and Gabriel.

“Fine, I need a bit more time to think. And you better not interfere anymore. I want to do this on my own terms on my own way.”


	8. Then

All Castiel could hear was someone calling his name in the distance. He vaguely recognized it as Meg's voice. Was this the moment? The moment when he'd finally die and stop being a burden to everyone. Castiel felt tears pooling up in his eyes. This wasn't fair. It wasn't fair that the last thing he’d experience before his death was his mother’s monstrous hatred.

Castiel woke up from the nightmare. It had been quite a while since he'd heard the dream. Usually in his dreams he saw the things from his childhood. The field of flowers his brother took him to and the memory of the first beehive he'd ever seen. But every now and then he'd end up dreaming of the last night with his mother.

Rubbing the dried out tear tracks he sat up. He knew no matter how hard he was going to try he wasn't going to get any sleep anymore. He scrambled a little to find his alarm. After a click it told the time, six in the morning. Luckily it wasn't that early. He'd be able to pass the day without needing a nap. It was Meg’s special day and Castiel didn't want to ruin it by waking up too early and then dozing off in the church.

Castiel hated the nightmares not just because they were nightmares. Also because he could hear them. In regular dreams the words never made any sense, but the nightmares. In the nightmares the words of Dean, John, and Naomi would overlap. He hated it. The piercing, shattering words would ring in his head until he was at the verge of crying or downright crying like a baby.

Dean had left only a week after graduation. It took John, the “caring” father two weeks to realize his son was gone. That's when he'd barged to Castiel's house. Castiel could still remember all the profanities John had shouted. Blaming Castiel for everything. At that moment Castiel did feel bad. He felt like it indeed had been his fault despite knowing that it wasn't. He'd just been unable to tone down the guilt.

The real horror, however, started after John left. While John had been outside their house Naomi had stayed inside without showing any indication of dealing with John. She'd told Castiel to go to bed and not listen to a drunk madman. Despite the growing fear Castiel had obeyed her and gone to sleep hoping she would be able to handle the situation on her own.

Castiel washed his face with cold water. Usually it helped him to snap out of the misery caused by the nightmares.

 

The following day Naomi had been furious. Castiel should've seen it coming but he hadn't. She'd asked if what John said was true. At first he'd tried to lie even though it hurt so much to deny his love for Dean. Unfortunately, it hadn't been enough to convince Naomi. The next few weeks had been a hell to him. She'd abused him both physically and verbally and there was nothing he could do. Well, that's what he thought because he'd never learnt to tend to or stand up for himself. 

Day by day she kept getting more and more abusive until one night she had gone to his room. Castiel could still remember that day like yesterday. He'd been avoiding her all through the day, hoping that it would keep Naomi from insulting him.  
Thank to his cautiousness he'd been able to hear her soft steps soon. He'd even called out for her. She didn't answer.

It was one of the other things that Castiel nowadays thought he should've realized would happen. The silence in his room had been so tense that night. He had even felt the hairs on the nape of his neck lift up.

“Castiel, honey, we need to talk.”

“Yes, mother.”

“You need to be cleansed.”

To this day the word ‘cleanse’ or any form of it made Castiel feel nauseous. Wiping his face he headed for kitchen. He had plenty of time before he'd have to get ready for the wedding. Shuffling around the kitchen made his nerves ease. Soon the entire kitchen was filled with the wafting smell of coffee and the sound of the microwave heating the leftover pizza from the previous night. He snorted at the idea of Balthazar being disgusted by the combination. Meg would've dug in without a complaint.

Whenever he thought about Meg or Balthazar, or anyone for that matter he'd only remember them the way he'd seen them as a child. Meg in her black hello kitty outfit, Balthazar with the band aid over his nose. His mother in the lovely dress all the brothers had bought together for her as a Mother’s Day present. Sometimes during very low times he'd have nightmares of his mother in that dress. She'd be wearing it, her face from Castiel's childhood contorted horribly, getting closer and closer to him, ready to cleanse him from his sinful life.

Taking a bite from his pizza Castiel opened the window to let some fresh air in. The early birds chirping and the first cars of the day driving by sounded soothed him too. Five years ago whimpering in his room while trying to avoid his mother’s hits he could've never guessed he'd ever be able to experience such a tranquil moment. 

He owed Meg a lot for this. If she hadn't sneaked over that night to take Castiel along for an adventure he might've died alone in his room, his mother's drunken sobs the last memory of his life. The car that Balthazar had stolen for the adventure ended up being the car for their getaway from the whole town. Still today Castiel had no idea how Meg had managed to get past Naomi and pack all of his most valuable possessions and drag him out of the house. Every time he'd ask Meg she'd brush it off with some sassy remark. Meg might never tell him how she'd managed to do that but Castiel was planning on thanking her thoroughly during the wedding.

 

Several hours later Castiel was getting irritated. All the guests had already arrived, he was there, the bride, Meg, was already at the church too. Only person missing was the groom. Castiel had hoped that his cousin would at least be on time for his wedding. He'd been so worried that Meg would be late from her wedding because of the movie binging she'd done the night before with the bridesmaids. Who the hell did that? But now it was Balthazar who was about to get a lecture from Castiel.

However, Meg had arrived in time. And listening to all their friends at the wedding it sounded like Meg had managed to hide the bags under her eyes perfectly. In fact she was being continuously praised since her arrival. Castiel had no idea how much brides usually got praised on weddings but he felt like Meg was getting more praises than brides normally did. And he felt proud of his friend.

After all the trials and tribulations, just like him, Meg was finally having her happily ever after. Hers consisted of a little boy and a late groom, while his consisted of a peaceful life in a peaceful suburb. Finally the clattering at the door announced Balthazar’s arrival. Everyone quickly went back to their places so the wedding could finally get started.

Castiel felt nervous. Meg had lost her mother a long time ago and her father had passed away around the summer of all the disasters. That's why they'd coined it as the disaster year. The only man Meg trusted the most was Castiel. Which is why she'd asked him to walk her down the aisle. Castiel knew that in the end Meg would be the one dragging Castiel down the aisle but he couldn't refuse. In the end things turned out fine during the entire wedding. Only once Meg seemed out of it but upon asking Meg revealed she was getting tired.

While planning for the wedding Balthazar had offered to take Castiel home but Castiel had refused. He'd asked a friend of theirs to to do that. Now after bidding farewell to the friend and sitting all alone in his apartment suddenly the dark thoughts came back to him. A part of him knew that Meg and Balthazar weren't going anywhere and their life was going to be just the same, but another part of him knew that changes were inevitable.

All these years the idea of expanding his friend circle had never occurred to Castiel. Sure he knew a lot of people but at the end of the day his world narrowed down to Meg and Balthy, and their son. He hated it, but he knew he'd have to discuss it with them once they came back from their trip. And this time he had to be stern and stop the self pity. Now he had to look at it differently, he needed to get even more independent rather than stop being a burden.


	9. Now

After the talk with Meg Castiel had taken his time to first calm his nerves and then seriously think about what Meg had said. He was done with the Winchesters but it had been years since he'd been in touch with Gabe. He'd missed his brother a lot ever since he'd left his home.

It took a little more time for him to decide how to go on with his decision to try to give Sam and Gabe a chance. In the end he settled for meeting his brother and having Sam around as an extra. He knew it was mean of him but this was the most he was going to allow. He was never going to have anything to do with directly a Winchester again.

Finally after over half a year, since the first knock of past on his door, with the help of Balthazar he sent a message to Gabe asking to meet up at the same restaurant. Upon arriving there Castiel found out that Sam hadn't joined Gabriel and him for the lunch. When Castiel asked about it all Gabriel said was,

“You seriously think we're always attached on hips or something? I came here to meet my brother not have a family meal.

Castiel was glad that his brother had decided to keep the meeting between them two. Both men caught up with each other’s lives throughout the meal and for a few hours after that. After the meal they went out for a walk together while sharing bits and pieces about their lives now.

The first meetup lead to a second one and then to several more lunches meals before one day out of the blue Gabriel asked if Castiel was alright with a dinner at his place.he even told Castiel that he could ask Sam to stay away for the dinner. Castiel wasn't sure how to respond to it. He would've been grateful if it was possible. But he knew that sooner or later he'd have to come to terms with Sam too. With a little contemplation he finally agreed for the dinner and assured Gabe that he didn't need to ask Sam to leave. It was about time he mend things with Sam too.

On the day of the dinner Castiel arrived to Gabe and Sam's place with Balthazar. Gabe and Sam lived quite close to Castiel’s place now. Apparently they had moved there after coming out to everyone. It had been a precaution against John, in the end they didn't need it but still, there was no reason to move back.

“You need help?” Balthazar offered Castiel who nodded and let Balthazar take a hold of his arm and lead him into the sitting room.

“Castiel!” Sam sounded excited.

Castiel remembered everyone always comparing Sam to a puppy back in high school. He had no idea what Sam looked like but the moment he heard Sam calling his name so excitedly he couldn't help the vision in his head of a puppy running up to him. To be fair even he felt excited. Over the meetups with Gabe he’d warmed up to Sam.

“How are you doing, Sam?” He extended his hand for a shake, but instead of a hand he got a bear hug.

“I've been doing great! And you?”

“I have been fine.”

Sam exchanged a few words with Balthazar too leaving Cas and Gabe to talk. However, the yeti of a man was back talking to Castiel while Gabe and Balthazar set up the table for the dinner.

“Gabe told me you give piano lessons now?”

“Yeah, I do that and work in the bookstore. Keeps me busy and active. Otherwise, you know I could spend hours and hours listening to the radio.” Castiel chuckled.

“That's cool. How many students do you have?”

“Not many actually, since I work the whole week in the bookstore I can only have students over the weekend. One girl, Claire, comes over on Saturdays. She's the only one for that day. And for Sunday I have three more students. Meg's son, one Ben from our neighborhood, and Anna. Though Anna is an adult.”

“Oh that's great. By the way, this might be a bit sudden but…” Sam proceeded to tell Castiel how he was planning on learning to play the piano for some personal romantic reasons. The two were still discussing their schedules when Gabe came to get them for dinner.

“What are we having today?” Sam asked first.

“We’re having burgers, yours is with a veggie pattie, and french fries.”

“That took you two ages to make?” Sam snorted.

“Hey! It's my brother I'm feeding, not you. You can munch the sickly looking leftover rabbit food if you want to.”

“Calm down Gabe, I'm sure your hard work will pay off in the taste of the burgers.” Castiel interrupted them.

The four men began to eat their dinner but soon the doorbell rang and Gabriel left to answer the door. While Gabriel was away Balthazar decided to use the chance and whine about how Gabriel acted in the kitchen. Sam joined him in the rant. Castiel amusedly listened to the two grown men get frustrated over a certified chef.

“And he said no that's not how you should fry it. Oh, brother, I am a grown man with my own family now. I do know how to make burgers, my own son won't eat anything but those damn monstrosities.” Balthazar half howled making Sam and Castiel laugh. 

They were still eating and laughing over Gabe’s antics in kitchen when he came back.

“Sam, your Mom and Dad are here. And so is Dean.” Gabe said.

Castiel could hear the wariness in his brother’s voice. His immediate instinct was to ask Balthazar to get him away from there but before he could do anything a cheery female voice came from the same direction as Gabe’s voice.

“Oh my. Gabe, honey, you should've told us you and Sam were having guests,” the warm and friendly voice exclaimed.

“Oh, no, it's alright, we're almost done and leaving soon.” Castiel said. Although his initial response to what Gabe had said was leaving as soon as possible he realized that he couldn't do that in front of Mary.

Castiel had heard almost everything about Mary back in high school when Dean would keep him up to date with all the hospital visits to his comatose mother. And more once he reconciled with Gabriel. How she'd woken up from her coma or how she was recovering. It wasn't only about Mary’s health but also about Dean and John. As much as he wanted to avoid them he didn't want to let Mary know about it.

It was a bit embarrassing to go on eating the meal while rest of the Winchesters settled in the sitting room. Sam went to attend to them while Gabe Stayed behind with Balthazar.

“You know, I can feel your eyes on me,” Castiel huffed to his brother, “Don't worry I'm not going to get mad now.”

“Cassie, I'm so sorry, I didn't know they'd come, it was so sudden.”

“Gabe it's fine. I enjoyed this visit. Hopefully the next time goes better,” Castiel tried to assure his brother.

Just as Castiel and Balthazar were done and about to get ready to leave Mary joined them.

“You boys are already leaving?”

“Yes, we are,” Castiel said.

“It's a pity. It would be so nice if you guys could stay. You're Sam's former classmate, right? He's told me so much about you. It would be nice if I could get to know you better,” She said to Castiel.

For a moment Castiel considered complying to Mary’s request. It would've been rude to leave like that and it wasn't only the Winchester brothers who had looked forward to Mary recovering. While dating Dean even Castiel had started to wish for it. Now when the woman was standing in front of him he wanted to stay and talk to her. However, the low gravelly voice searching for her broke the momentary spell.

“Mary?” John entered the room too.

“We should leave then,” Castiel hastily told her, “I'm so sorry we can't stay today. We both have work tomorrow so we needed to get going anyway.”

All this time he had been so focused on Mary and somewhere in the back of his mind on Dean too that he entirely forgot about John. Hearing the voice startled Castiel. He could feel the same panicky feeling take him over that he had felt when he'd heard Dean’s voice at the parking lot all those months ago.

He quickly put his hand forward to shake Mary's who gripped it lightly but firmly.

“Well, then. I'm sorry for not being able to stick around longer. Hopefully we'll meet again soon.” Castiel said and instead of trying to make his way out himself he let Balthazar guide him out. They bid their farewells to Sam and Gabe and then got out.

Balthazar’s car had been parked right in front of the house but in Castiel's panicky state it took them a little longer to get to the car. As the cousins reached the car the voices of John and Dean called them out. To be precise John was shouting Castiel’s name while Dean was trying to stop his father.

“Castiel!”

“Dad! What are you doing?!”

Castiel was a quite surprised. But if Balthazar’s amused chuckles were a very bad sign to interpret the situation.

“Balthazar what's going on?”

“The old man’s dragging Dean here like a bean bag,” Balthazar said, still snickering audibly. 

“And you're finding it amusing?! Why are they coming here?”

“How do I know. It's you they're calling not me.”

“You're no good Balthazar. Let's get going. I don't think I'm of any use here.” Castiel turned away trying to find the door handle so he could slide into the car before John and Dean reached him, unfortunately, he'd calculated the distance wrong.

“Castiel, please, wait a little. It's Castiel, isn't it?” John said, putting one of his hands on Castiel’s shoulder.

“Hey, hands off, please.” Balthazar intervened. As much as he found the situation amusing he wasn't going to let anyone hurt Castiel.

John moved his hand away, “I’m not going to hurt him. I just needed to talk to him.”

“I don't think there's anything to talk about,” Balthazar moved his body protectively between John and Castiel, “Cassie, get in the car. We need to get home before Meg gets mad.”

Only one doing nothing was Dean. He was standing dumbfounded unable to wrap his head around what was happening. Castiel was recovering from the suddenness of the situation and still scrambling to find the door handle.

“Listen, I understand why you don't want me to talk to him, but please, calm down. I'm just going to talk to him.”

Balthazar measured John’s words for a moment and then moved aside. First he helped Castiel calm down then he turned his friend to the right direction.

“Yes?” Castiel barely managed to croak.

“I know this is sudden and this is unfair. But I'm apologizing on behalf of Dean. I remember you as the bright boy from my Sammy’s class and I'm sure you knew better than to be deceived by my son. That day when I caught you and after that when I came to your house. I shouldn't have done any of it.”

Taking a deep breath John continued, “I won't deny, for years I was cruel to not just my son but you too. I should've apologized much sooner. It took me my wife’s recovering and some more years to realize that nothing matters in love. At first even accepting Sam and Gabe had been hard. But I am learning I have been learning. I have been a good husband to Mary and maybe not the best but still fairly good father to Sam but I have been way beyond cruel to Dean. And I want to make up for it.”

“Dad,” Dean tried to interrupt.

“No, let me finish. I know I'm being selfish again. But this time not as a stubborn man but as a father. Now that I look back I realize my son had been happier than ever when you were around. Ever since I did what I did I've lost him. I have my wife and Sammy now but I still don't have my Dean back. If you could talk it out with him I'll be grateful to you. I know I don't deserve to be forgiven but I'm still suing you to forgive me, or at least Dean. He never was the one wrong.”

“Dad, what on earth?”

“I really hope to see you around soon.” With that John left Dean and returned inside where Mary, who hadn't been able to hear the men, was waiting for John and Dean to come back from seeing the guests out.

Castiel was rooted to his spot. Everything had been so sudden. First Mary just came in the middle of the party then John was trying his best to apologize and now if he'd got the nervous mumbling right then Dean was still there with him and Balthazar. He couldn't believe it, John had tried to apologize to him. 

“Okay, that was surprising. But we really need to get going now.” Balthazar tried to push Castiel away from Dean before anything happened. He'd heard about the breakdown Castiel had had at the parking lot.

“Uh, Balthazar, please.” Dean said, “I won't take much of your time.”

Balthazar wouldn't have listened but when Castiel nodded he moved aside letting Dean talk to him.

“Dean, I—”

“No, you don't need to say anything. Just forget what dad said right now.”

Castiel snapped out of the daze completely. “No, I won't. He apologized for what he did. He did his best and I think it's your turn to do your best now.”

Before Dean could do or say anything Castiel had closed the car door and Balthazar was starting the car. Castiel knew what he did was going to make him regret. John had only attempted to apologize, it was nothing spectacular. But something in Castiel had been moved by it. It was sudden and so typical of stubborn people. Dean was just like his father. Long heartfelt speeches weren't their best trait. Even though Castiel had told Dean to try harder to earn the forgiveness to get away from the situation, he really hoped that Dean would.

He had come to a closure with everyone even Michael and Lucifer even though they weren't in touch. Now he'd even met Mary and been apologized by John. Meg had been right, even though he had been happy he'd never been able to get over Dean.


	10. Epilogue

The smell of burgers wafted all around him. It was making his hungry stomach growl so Castiel decided against waiting any longer. Taking a bite from his burger he let ecstasy take over him. He'd never thought that Ellen could be this good.

Back in high school Ellen had often told him and Dean how she wanted to something about this one place, her family owned, after she retired from her job. He couldn't believe that she had actually stuck with her awful job of shepherding awful teenagers everyday when she could have been running this place all along.

“Seems like you're liking it,” Ellen said. Castiel hadn't noticed when she'd come to stand next to him. The burgers were a danger for him. A tornado could've passed by but he would've been too busy to notice it.

“These are delicious,” Castiel said clearing his mouth, “I don't understand why you didn't do this all along instead of putting up with us, specially my brothers?”

Ellen laughed at Castiel’s question and ruffled his hair. It made Castiel feel warm. She did it back in high school too. Well, it had been just Dean at first but then one day when Dean was whining about it being embarrassing Castiel had offered to get embarrassed with him. Only now Castiel realized how much he had missed it. What he did not miss about Ellen was the way she could go from chill to serious in a matter of seconds. Like she had now.

“Castiel, are you sure about this?” She asked.

“Sure about what?” 

“Meeting Dean.”

“Yes. Yes, I am sure.” Castiel got serious too. He'd thought this one through and through. He was still scared, no matter how much others said, Castiel knew very well how unstable things could get with Dean. But he had made up his mind, he was going to do this.

“I know what kind of a hell you went through because after Dean left you he came to me. If what Dean had done hurt him so bad I can't even begin to imagine how much it must've hurt you. But I also know that just because Dean is guilty you don't have to give him another chance or even be friends with him again. Unlike others I don't think that—”

“Thank you for your concern, Ellen. And thank you for understanding what I haven't been able to explain to others. But I have already made up my mind.”

Seeing the determination on Castiel's face Ellen dropped the subject there. If Castiel knew what he was doing there was no reason for her to drag it anymore. As she got up to return to her work she noticed the man clad in a leather jacket rush in. She waved her hand to catch his attention and then pointed at Castiel who was eating. Dean hurriedly made his way to the man.

“Cas,” he said as he sat down opposite of Castiel.

“Dean,” Castiel answered. When he'd practiced meeting Dean at home, he'd hoped to at least smile to him, but he could feel the grin turn into a slight grimace.

“How are you, buddy?” Dean, tried to appear less tense than he actually was.

“I'd really prefer if you didn't call me buddy. And I have been fine, Dean. What about you?” Castiel said, “I'm sorry for already ordering and starting eating. I was getting hungry.”

“Right, I'll keep that in mind. And no problem, I did end up being quite late.”

“What about you? How have you been Dean?”

“I've been great,” Dean said and then proceeds to order his meal.

“I heard you officially work at Bobby’s garage now.”

“Yeah, I do.” Dean answered, “You work at the bookstore, right?”

“Yes, and I also hold piano lessons.”

“That's cool Cas!”

“Tiel. It's Castiel. For now.” 

“Oh, yeah, right.”

An awkward silence fell between the two of them as they sat eating. Castiel was almost done with his meal while Dean was only halfway. Castiel was first to break the silence.

“So, do you still do the same things that you did back during high school or has Bobby come up with new things for you to do at the garage?” 

“I guess we should just cut it short,” Dean said instead of answering Castiel’s question, “Cas— tiel, I know I don't deserve being forgiven. I did so many horrible things to you. But if there's anything I can do to apologize then I'll do it.”

“Are you saying that because you want to get together with me?”

“Look, Cas, Castiel. If there was any way to get you back I would use it. Leaving you has been the biggest regret of my life. But I know I don't deserve you back. So I'm not going to ask for that. All I can ask you for is forgiveness.”

Castiel let out a deep sigh, “See Dean, this is why I didn't want to have anything to do with you ever again.”

“I understand.”

“No, you don't!” Castiel huffed, “If you did you would never say you don't deserve anything. What do you think I've been doing all these years?! Learning that I deserve more than I've ever been given. I deserved the love of my family, I deserved better treatment from you, I deserved acceptance from everyone else than only Meg and Balthazar or Sam and Gabe. Before I left the town even I thought that whatever I had was enough. I was getting more than I deserved. But these past several years I've come to realize that I deserve more than what I've gotten this far.”

“I, I know. If you don't want to forgive me—”

“I do, I do want to forgive you but I can't if you haven't changed. I never expected an apology from rest of my family, I have Gabe and Balthy and that's enough. I never needed friends because there was more than enough to handle in Meg. You were the only one whose place could never be replaced by anyone else. The root of the problem between us wasn't in the way you dumped me. Even after you left me I still kept waiting for you.”

The revelation left Dean dumbstruck. “You waited for me?”

“Yes, I did. Your words hurt me but I knew it wasn't your fault. It was the fault of your attitude. You had always thought that you deserve nothing. And so did I. Of all the people I ever knew you had the most influence on me and you having such a mindset didn't help me at all. I realized that I needed to distance myself from everyone only after we moved away.” 

“Great. I didn't only hurt you but I made you think that you don't deserve better.” Dean sounded frustrated.

“Yes, you did. That's why after I finally realized I kept my distance. I stopped waiting for you. But then you came back.”

“Well, I always make the wrong decision.” Dean tried to sound funny.

“That's what I thought first too but then I realized with some help that we both always deserved a lot more than what we had. You deserved to be forgiven after everything you did. And I deserve the good treatment I get now.”

“Does that mean you'll forgive me?” 

“No, I can't do it right away. I understood, still do, why you did what you did. But I need time.”

All Dean could do is nod and hum in agreement. Even reconciling their friendship was enough. Castiel had been through too much because of him so he deserved to lay out the rules now. Dean just hoped that he'd at least be able to stay friends with Castiel. 

“Sounds fair. As you said, you deserved better and if it means taking your time I'm willing to wait forever.”

“Thank you, Dean.” Castiel said with a bright smile. He truly hoped that he'd be able to forgive Dean completely sooner rather than later. Because they both deserved more than they'd ever given each other.

**Author's Note:**

> The link to the art: https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B8E3GsOmIK8maGZfRW5vbDlfQXBCQmIwTTBPb1dnaUc2anlB/view
> 
>  
> 
> Thanks @aiulbones!


End file.
